Dear Young Mum
We spoke to four phenomenal women about the triumphs and challenges of being a young mother. Originally published in Roundtable Journal Issue 03.
Photographs by Zoe Alakija
Amidst the popularity of shows like MTV’s Teen Mum, the representation of young mothers is limited, stifling and, frankly, quite far from the truth. Young mothers are not always the dysfunctional, reckless people the media makes them out to be. Many of them are strong, intelligent, ambitious women who just happened to have children earlier than their peers. To challenge the existing stereotypes and perceptions, we teamed up with Dear Young Mum, a supportive community of young mothers founded by Nelle Williams, a 25-year-old marketing assistant from London. We brought together Libby, a Reiki practitioner, Anesu, an aspiring actress, and Cara, who works in merchandising, to have an open, honest conversation lead by Nelle on what it truly means to be a young mother today. These four phenomenal women discussed it all: the trials, triumphs and truths that come with having a child early on in life.
Tell us about your journey into motherhood – what stage were you at in life shortly before becoming a mother?
Libby: I found out as soon as I got a new job, which wasn’t ideal. But at the time, I was in limbo. I didn’t really know where I was going, what I wanted to do, and where I saw myself. So when I found out I was pregnant with Delilah, it sort of felt like that was what needed to happen. It was what I was waiting for in a strange way, even though I didn’t know it yet and she wasn’t necessarily planned.
Cara: I was 15 at the time. I wasn’t doing much other than being a kid and going to school. Once I found out I was pregnant, I was really unsure about what I was going to do. I wasn’t like you [Libby] who knew what she wanted to do straight away – it took me about a month to decide. I told my mum really early on, and she was supportive straight away. Obviously, she was shocked but she let me know that whatever I decided was completely up to me, and that she would be there for me.
Nelle: Cara, you and I went to the same school, but we got to know each better other recently because our sons now go to the same school. I was a little bit older than Cara when I got pregnant – I was 18. Before that, I was at college, having the time of my life and I had plans to study abroad. I was in an unhealthy relationship at the time. When I finally decided to get out of the relationship, that was when I found out I was pregnant.
Anesu: Before I had Amia, I’d graduated from university and was working in retail and going to acting school at the same time. When I found out I was pregnant, I was already four months gone. Having to make a decision quickly about whether I was going to keep her or not wasn’t easy. I’d always thought that if I had an unplanned pregnancy, I wouldn’t have the baby, but finding out at as late as I did, I had to believe that everything happens for a reason. To be honest, I prayed that if she was meant to be here, if I were meant to have her, something had to happen to push me to keep her. Shortly after, my mum found out – she opened a letter I got from the hospital – and surprisingly, she was supportive.
Nelle, 25, with her son six-year-old Zach
Anesu, 25, with Amia 6-month-old
What was your reaction to your pregnancy? How did you feel in that moment?
Cara: I laughed. I’m one of those people whose first reaction is to laugh in very uncomfortable situations. Immediately after though, I got scared and extremely nervous – asking questions like ‘what does this mean’? But I was young, so I didn’t understand the extent of what I was getting myself into. I dealt with it by becoming very close to my mum. I was with her every single day, all the time.
Libby: I was massively shocked – my partner and I weren’t in the best place at the time. And finding out Delilah was on the way, I was worried in case my relationship with my partner would fall apart. I knew that I wanted to have children at some point – I’ve always been maternal – so it felt really natural, and after about a week, I knew exactly what I was going to do. I was going to keep her.
Anesu: I remember calling my best friend crying. I literally took the test before I went to work – which wasn’t the smartest thing to do. You see this sort of thing happening on TV, and you hear stories about it from people you know, but this was real. It was happening to me. For some people, it’s easy because they immediately know what they’re going to do and they stick to it, but I definitely wasn’t like that. I was terrified.
Nelle: Mine was weird because I just remember feeling sick all the time. I was with a friend when I almost collapsed in a train station. She suggested I go to A&E. When I was eventually seen by a doctor, he said to me: “You might be pregnant.” I was like, “Uh, no.” Anyways, the results came back – I was [pregnant] – and he handed me an abortion form as soon as he told me. He didn’t even give me a chance to react. I went home and stayed in bed for the whole week, lying to my mum that I was sick. One day, she just came into my room and said, “you’re pregnant, aren’t you?” I think it was instinct – she just knew.
How did the people around you react to your pregnancy?
Libby: I didn’t actually start telling most people until I was about 12 weeks, because I was so scared of their response – especially my parents. I think parents want to see your life go a certain way, and they want you to go on and do all these incredible things before you settle down and have a baby. And obviously, my life wasn’t going to go that way. I was going to be unconventional and have a baby first, which was best for me, but at first they didn’t see it like that. My dad was fine and my mum was fine after the initial shock. In terms of some friends and other members of my family, I just didn’t really listen. I think it helped that I didn’t tell people until I was 12 weeks pregnant because there was no going back, so they couldn’t influence my decision.
Cara: I had a friend at school who had a baby when she was 13. When I told her I was pregnant, she immediately said, “Don’t do it! I’m telling you that this is not what you want to do.” That was the hardest reaction for me to deal with: my best friend who had a baby was telling me not to have a baby. I understand why she said that now – she was young at the time. But because she wasn’t telling me what I wanted to hear, I ended up speaking to other people about it. I didn’t want to hear that I shouldn’t have him, so I stuck close to the people who were telling me otherwise.
Nelle: I was terrified because my family is Christian and they are very involved in the church. I was also scared about how my life would change. My relationship with Zach’s father was over, so I pretty much knew that I was already going to be a single mum. My family took it quite hard as well – they were supportive but very hurt. They were grieving the life they wanted me to have. My mum had me at quite a young age as well, so she was like, “I taught you better, why did you get pregnant this young when you know how difficult it was for me?” To other people, it looked a bit like a cycle: mum gets pregnant at a young age, daughter gets pregnant at a young age too. After a while, my family just accepted it. I mean, they love Zach more than they love me now!
Cara, 25, with her son nine-year-old Nkhai
Have the dynamics of your friendships and relationships changed since becoming a mother? If so, how?
Anesu: It made me closer to my mum, definitely. This is my first baby, and she’s done this four times over (I have three siblings). Everything I’ve been learning about being a mother is through her. There’s this very special bond between me and my daughter, my mum and my daughter, and me and my mum.
Libby: The truth is, I don’t keep in contact with a lot of friends. They still want to go out and party all the time, which is fine, but I have so much responsibility now with Delilah. I feel like I matured from the second I found out I was pregnant. But the friends I do talk to, we’ve become so much closer. They aren’t just friends, they’re my sisters and now they are like mothers to Delilah. I’d say the dynamics have changed for the better. I’ve become friends with a lot of mothers who are in their thirties, and it’s made me realise that age is just a number. All the struggles they go through as new mothers are the same as we do, despite the fact that we’re younger. It’s made me realise there’s no ‘perfect’ age to have a child.
What has been your biggest challenge so far? And have you overcome it?
Cara: My biggest challenge so far has probably been my relationship with my son’s father. We’re currently not together, and it’s hard to come to terms with that. For nine years, I felt like my ultimate goal was to be with his dad and make it work, because that’s the way a family ‘should’ be. Only now am I realising that it’s okay to not be a conventional family, because sometimes being together is more toxic than being apart. I’ve tried to overcome it by being closer to Nkhai and being the best mum I can, rather than worrying about everything being picture perfect.
Nelle: Mine is quite similar to yours, Cara. I come from a single parent home so, from early on, I understood what it meant. It’s not about what I want or what his dad wants, but what’s best for our son. It’s been challenging, but I don’t think the challenge will ever stop – trying to keep my son happy, and trying to keep his dad happy. It’s just about doing your best and being able to set boundaries.
Anesu: This may come across as selfish, but mine is not having that freedom that I used to have – that ‘me time’. From the moment I wake up, it’s all about my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way, but making that adjustment at first wasn’t easy.
Libby: Something I’ve found challenging is the way people judge how I choose to parent. I chose not to vaccinate Delilah, and the questions and harassment I get from nurses, receptionists and all sorts of people is crazy. Vaccinations aren’t mandatory, and most people aren’t even aware of the pros and cons. Each time I took Delilah for appointments, my confidence was knocked because there was always someone judging my decisions as a parent.
Nelle: Do you think people would respond differently if you were a lot older?
Libby: Definitely. My aunt is 39 and she chose not to vaccinate both her children, and no one even questions it. I’ve managed to deal with it by just growing thicker skin. Now, I sort of have tunnel vision and I don’t let anyone interfere with my decisions.
Libby, 21, with her daughter one-year-old Delilah
What are some common stereotypes and misconceptions you often hear and see about young mothers in the media, and how have you not allowed them to define you?
Cara: Probably the one of ‘you’re not able to be a good mum because you’re young’. Working in a big company like I do and being a young mum isn’t easy. I feel like people think I’m not a proper parent at home, or that someone else is doing it for me. I look young but I take my role as Nkhai’s mother very seriously. I have to leave work at a specific time everyday because I have somewhere else to be. It took me actually having to explain to my employers what not leaving at 5.30PM means for me, in terms of the time I get to spend with my son. That kind of thing really needs to be understood and taken into consideration by employers – not just for women, but whoever the main carer is.
Nelle: Exactly. One really frustrating stereotype is that being a young mum must mean you’re on welfare, you have no ambition, or your child’s father is in prison. Most people can’t believe that I went to university after having a child. You just have to ignore the stereotypes and not let them define you, or put you into a box. It sounds cheesy but you genuinely have to focus on your own journey.
Libby: Even in shows like Teen Mum, all the cast’s lives seem filled with so much drama, and it’s drama that doesn’t need to be. I guess these stereotypes create television and make people tune in. They’re not going to have a young mum doing well, or doing her thing on those shows. They want negativity; they don’t want positivity.
Nelle: I wish people, and society as a whole, would stop making immediate assumptions about young mothers, and actually just give us a chance by getting to know us first. Don't believe the stereotypes or what the media portrays: not all young mums are single mums, some become mothers by choice. There are lots of young mothers who are educated, who have ambitions, who have involved fathers, who aren't on welfare, who aren't lazy, who work and who simply want the best for their children. When people say things to me like, “Wow you’re doing so well, you're not like other young mums,” it’s not a compliment. It’s actually quite ignorant. We want to be treated normally and if we happen to be struggling along the way, people should be kind enough to help or encourage us in the ways they can, without writing us off or judging us immediately.
What has young motherhood taught you?
Anesu: It’s taught me to be more motivated about everything from my career to little things like getting my driver’s license. Now I feel like I have the motivation to get those things done a lot quicker than I would having before having a baby. I’m not just thinking about myself anymore, I have someone else to provide for, and that’s taught me responsibility.
Nelle: Young motherhood has allowed me to see the bigger picture. It’s put everything into perspective and given me a clearer sense of purpose. It's also taught me to be wiser and to think carefully before making any decisions – even small ones – as I know that the choices I make will have a direct impact on someone else. Becoming a mum at 19 definitely forced me to grow up and mature a lot quicker than I probably would have, which was daunting at first. But, the truth is, I actually believe there's an advantage to learning how to navigate the responsibilities of life at an early age. And young motherhood provided me with that.
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